Last Sunday night, done as I was with all of my tasks for the day, I’d put Achu to bed at last. He was sleepy from the exhaustion of running around the whole day, making little houses out of empty Amazon cartons. I closed my eyes, hoping to fall asleep as soon as as I could.
I had a dull headache and was tired enough to sleep ten hours straight.
But I couldn’t.
Out of nowhere , I was bombarded with a rapid fire of self-defeating monologue inside my head.
I heard my thoughts pronounce their judgement –
I wasn’t a good – enough mother.
I wasn’t doing enough.
I wasn’t saying the right things or cooking the right dishes.
I wasn’t spending enough time with him.
I just wasn’t doing a good job.
I am not cut out for this.
Caught up unaware in this blizzard of unprovoked criticism, I was overwhelmed. Too tired to resist or try and think logically , I gave in to the sweet release of tears that flowed and flowed.
In a few minutes, I was weeping as if the sorrow that’d been weighing me down could only be lightened by letting myself feel it.
After a few minutes of this emotional catharsis, my mind faithfully reminded me of a few things I had learned about myself and human psychology in the past two years.
1) Do not believe everything you think (The very title of this small gem of a book by Joseph Nguyen).
2) Thoughts are thoughts and nothing more.Just because these thoughts exist inside of you or make a comeback every now and then, doesn’t make it true.
The thoughts that pop up inside your head depend upon more than a handful of variables.
For example- how much sleep you’ve had, whether you’re dehydrated or if your friend from school hasn’t texted you back.
I tried to think about the fertile ground that spewed these distressing thoughts.
Well, there were quite a few factors I could come up with;
The fact that I was still recovering from a viral fever and felt fatigued through the day;
The concern about Achu having zero appetite for even his favourite foods in the last few weeks;
Not having seen my husband for the past two days as he was juggling emergency surgeries;
The dopamine rush of working out that I had to give up on account of my illness AND
I was also in the phase of my monthly cycle that is often incriminated in causing low mood.
Pondering on these self-reflections for a little while, I realised that I could (if I tried), distance myself from the ugly thoughts that tried to get the best of me. Instead of listening to these thoughts in the way that I’d been used to –I am a bad mother, I could choose to listen to it in a different way- I am having thoughts of being a bad mother. I’d once read in a book ‘Why has nobody told me this before'(Dr.Julie Smith) that reframing your self-talk in such a manner helps put us in the observer seat of our mind rather that standing right in the middle of a toxic traffic of thoughts.
Thoughts only have the power you give them.
And I decided that this time- I wasn’t going to buy into these critical thoughts.
I knew that as I wake up the next day, with a fresher perspective and hopefully in a brighter mood, I wouldn’t feel the same way nor would I be having the same thoughts.
The clouds would have lifted, and the sky would be blue again.
Guess what? I look outside my window now and its bright and warm and lovely again.
Maybe a lot of suffering is indeed self-inflicted.
Just because these thoughts exist inside of you or make a comeback every now and then, doesn’t make it true.
🌻💖