Parenting is about growing up and raising our inner child.

Many many years ago, when I used to think about what kind of a mother I would be- I’d planned on becoming the best Mom in the world. I would never hurt my child nor let anybody else. I would spend ample quality time doing activities that were engaging and purposeful with my kid. I would be patient and calm and always interested in what my child had to say to me.

Or atleast I thought I would. Fast forward to the present and I have an almost-five year old son who brings out the best in me, but also the worst. In my early days of being a new Mom, I’d imagined that parenting is about raising children.

But over the last few years, I’ve come to the realization that parenting is actually is about raising ourselves.

Its about facing those dark versions of us that usually don’t come out as we laugh with our co-workers or plan fun trips with friends. We realize that we aren’t as patient as we thought we were, that we howl like a banshee when our three year old refuses to take a bath, that we aren’t as great as we thought we were.

I mess up, sometimes badly- say mean things and rage for the silliest reasons. And my little son is most often the victim when I can’t regulate my emotions. After an exhausting day or a particularly bad nights’ sleep, I realized that I take out my frustration and resentment on Achu who insists that I tell him another story after I’d just finished telling him one.

I have been on a journey of becoming a better human being ever since I became a mother. I have become far more patient, kinder and gentler compared to who I once was.

Now-a-days, I try to become aware of situations when I am tired or hungry and prone to getting emotionally dysregulated; then  try to take a small break ,perhaps a few mindful breaths or disengage from a potentially combustible interaction. As I result, I have been able to act like the grown up my son needs me to be. This doesn’t happen always though. There are still days( though far lesser in frequency) when I behave like a little brat myself.

Even though I keep stumbling and making some of the some mistakes I’d vowed not to  make, I still want to be a better parent tomorrow. Inspite of beating myself up for being a horrible mother, I have to forgive myself and try to do better the next time. I mend the rupture in our relationship and get to work analyzing how a disastrous situation can be averted the next time.

Just when you thought you’d got the hang of parenting, there is always a new challenge peeking at the next turn.

So I pick up the next parenting book and start reading.