Hope is the thing with feathers

Emily Dickinson

As the year draws towards a peaceful ending, it is time again to look forth the upcoming year with a fiery hope and on the year past with overwhelming gratitude.

The beginning of 2024 saw me at the outset of an existential crisis – constantly being driven nuts by the the questions of –What next ? and Is this all there is?

Plagued by disheartening questions with no answers, I set out on a journey to figure out what actually makes a happy/meaningful life.

I started out by asking everyone who cared to lend a ear, the question of – ’What keeps you going’?

Some had vague answers and others, solid ones. From answers ranging from spirituality, the love of a family to the reckless pursuit of highs, every single person I talked to seemed to be operating from their own philosophy about a life well lived.

Unpredictable as life is, there were a handful of googlies that got thrown at me- the harshest of which was a family member’s grim diagnosis.

Books have always been my safe haven- a place I could always run back to.

At that really low point, when I realised that I didn’t know how to take charge of my life anymore, I picked up this book called -‘How not to die’ as part of a desperate coping mechanism to control atleast one aspect of my life- Nutrition.

I would peg this as one of the most life changing books I’ve ever read.It converted me (whose idea of comfort food was egg fried rice and butter chicken) to a practicing vegan who includes cruciferous veggies, nuts and berries almost every single day in her diet.

As pounds started to drop, my asthma had vanished and an erstwhile acne-prone skin cleared to a rosy glow – I did feel more in control of my life. There are so many things in life beyond ones control. But good nutrition and the sense of profound well being it offers isn’t.

Steering back to those questions that kept me awake, I kept looking for the answers I was after, in podcasts and articles and life experiences. Life continued and our family moved to Vellore. Amid the adjustment disorder that ensues a major life-change, as if by a stroke of luck, I happened to land on this book called-‘Man’s search for meaning’-by Viktor Frankl.

‘For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour.What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person’s life at a given moment.Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demand fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus,everyone’s task is as unique as his opportunity to implement it’-Viktor Frankl.

So, this is what I’ve managed to figure out till now!

We get to decide what meaning to give our individual life experience.

For example, the year after Class 12th, I decided to join a coaching centre to prepare an entire year for the next MBBS entrance exam.

Now, I have the option of viewing this experience in two different ways –
1) I lost a year because I screwed up entrance preparation when I should have worked hard.

2)This was the year I learned to be on my own and inculcated the value of hard work and discipline.

Both my perceptions of the same life event can be valid lines of thought.

And yet the meaning I make out of it is the only one that matters because – I am the one living this life.

Doing some deep soul searching, one can discover what values one truly believes in.

And then try to align ones actions to match these core values.

In doing this lies the joy of discovering what really speaks to your heart and then pursuing it with grit and passion.

And when this leads you give yourself over to a cause or another person to love, you become more human, and the more you actualize yourself.- Victor Frankl

I wouldn’t say that I’ve found all the answers I was after. However, I am a little closer than before. And I hope I’ll be even closer a year later or ten years later. Inspite of realising that comprehending the ultimate meaning of life is perhaps a little too complicated for a mere mortal, I ‘ll keep trying to put together the bits and pieces I find along the way to live a more meaningful version of my life. I hope you’ll do too.

Happy New Year.